The Expendables: Wh40k Edition!
by Moonreaper666
Summary: The Chosen Emperor leads the Chaos Imperium and its most powerful team ever assemble, the Chosen Five. The tales of these five champions of Chaos will send them throughout the multiverse to sow the seeds of CHAOS!


There are stories of a small band of heroes going on an adventure, overcoming difficult odds to protect those that they love, and bringing peace to a war-torn land. But since this is a Warhammer story of course none of that pile of shit is gonna happen here boy!

* * *

On the surface of a Hive ship five of the greatest human champions of chaos are tasked with… well the task is to deliver two doses of special chemicals to veins leading to the large capillary towers feeding the Hive Ships. This is the story of the Chosen Five.

A khorne berserker chops another Tyranid Warrior in half, "Yes, more cattle for the slaughter!" said Khrone, champion of Khrone as he kicks a Genestealer and then stomps its head into mush

A Tyranid Zoanthrope is ripped in half by the claws of a Possessed Space Marine. A second Lictor attacks the Chaos Space Marine from behind only to be fired by a psyker's electric charge.

"Careful Argel Tal, even a gifted child is nothing more than a child." said by the Thousand Sorcerer, Ahzek Ahriman, champion of Tzeentch as he kills several Tyranids with a doombolt.

Using his power sword, the champion of Slaanesh Lucius jumps on top of a Tyrant Guard and slits its back open, leaving its alien blood dripping into the ground. "**Come and enjoy the pleasure of death!**" he said as he uses his left appendage, the Lash of Torment to grab several Genestealers and then pulls the whip, letting the teeth of the extended whip pull bits of flesh apart, eventually decapitating the aliens!

Several termagants aim their parasitic guns on the fifth member of the group, but the champion of Nurgle, Typhus dashes with unnatural speed and slices them all with a single swipe from his special Manreaper.

**Why do you steal my lines**?" he asked Lucius

"Well you are the best when it comes to making one-liners." said by Ahriman

Eliminating the small opposition in front of them, the Chosen Five inject the first vein with a powerful sedative which would disrupt communication with the Hive Mind amongst other things. In just a few seconds, the chemical starts to affect Hive fleet Alpha, Tyranids are either asleep or sluggish in action.

The five champions made their way to the second vein and administered the second chemical which unlike the first one would take an hour to take effect.

"If only the chemical would work faster," said Lucius as he kicked a pebble in his bored state

"This is the most special work of the Great Father Nurgle." said Typhus

"Don't you mean the Dark Pantheon," said Ahriman "After all it needed the ingenuity of the Emperor of Chaos, the Dark Mechanicum, and all four deities to produce this miraculous work of art."

"Relax brother, Typhus here maybe not as smart and charismatic as us, but he wouldn't dare insult us." said Lucius provoking a laugh from both Ahriman and Argel Tal

Needless to say Typhus and Khrone aren't impress.

"Argh! Why are we JUST STANDING HERE when we could slaughter the rest of this PATHETIC HIVE FLEET!?" Said Kharn as he angrily stomps on the hive ship

Suddenly, the Hive ship started to shook and then a massive horde of Tyranids converge on the champions' position.

"This is why brother," -said Argel Tal as he uses his daemonic breath to spew fire in front of the squad,- "For Chaos Undivided!"

"CHAOS IS OUR MASTER!" his comrades responded

"YES… COME TO THE SLAUGHTER!" said Kharn as he charge through the flames into the Tyranid horde, slashing, blasting, and sending hundreds of smaller Tyranids flying away!

Ahriman unleashes a corruption spell on a huge area, damaging any creature that is within the area. Many tyranids die quickly before the horde bypasses the area or go around it.

"Ouch!" said Kharn as he was in the targeted area for half-a-second, "Ahriman!" he said as he punch another Tyranid

Lucius uses his Last of Torment to swipe several gun-wielding Tyranids before engaging them in melee combat.

In his Terminator armor, Typhus sync-kills five Tyranid warriors in quick succession before releasing his special plague to decimate the Tyranid horde.

Seeing a Tyrant Guard, Kharn recklessly jumps on top of the creature and beats it to a bloody pulp with his chainaxe!

"DIE, YOU, STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!"

After killing seven Zoanthropes Argel Tal duels the Hive Tyrant. Despite having four arms, the Tyrant's attacks are being met blow by blow by Argel Tal.

"Amazing!" Said by Kharn as he witnesses the duel, unconsciously strangling a Tyranid Warrior to death.

Typhus casts a doombolt of his own killing dozens of Tyranids. The chemical is working as several Zoanthropes explode in unison.

"Yes! The bio-toxin is working!" said Ahriman as he levitates and throws a Tyranid Warrior onto several other Tyranids causing them to fall down a small cliff

Kharn fires his plasma pistol at the Hive Tyrant, allowing the Possessed One to slash away two of the monster's arms before ripping it in half! As the Undivided champion rest for a millisecond he notices another Lictor heading straight for Kharn.

"Kharn!" the Possessed Champion said as he uses his special weapon.

With the open helmet he wears are two laser turrets on each side. He fires both lasers which are individually as strong as the shot from a hellgun.

The shots connected, allowing Kharn to turn around and chop the Lictor in half!

"Thanks brother!"

After an entire hour of slaughtering through the Tyranid horde, the serum has been fully absorbed by the Hive ship, but something is definitely wrong.

Kharn pokes at a Tyranid Warrior with his pistol which doesn't illicit a response, "What in the blasted Warp is GOING ON HERE!?"

While a few of the Tyranids die off, the majority just stand still as if they are just automatons in hibernation.

"Ahriman, did Tzeentch meant for this to happen?" asked Typhus

"No… it seems the Everchosen Emperor plan this all along!"

Lucius approaches a Tyranid Warrior which tries to smell him, "Brother Ahriman, can you guess the true purpose of the serum," he said as the Tyranid keeps smelling him, "While it is great that another being enjoys my… personal perfume I do not think that this is the intention behind the serum." he ended his sentence as more Tyranids approach him

Suddenly, Ahriman experiences a headache, knocking him off balance!

"Argh! The Hive… fleet is… trying to contact me!"

In the same second, all the Tyranids, including those that were asleep started chanting.

"We kill in the name of Khrone, We control in the name of Tzeentch …"

"What is the meaning of this?" said by Argel Tal as several Tyranids bow down in front of him

"_This is the Chaos Emperor speaking_." said over the vox-channels (radio communication)

"This is the Chosen Five."

"_Have you administered the serum?_"

"Yes my lord."

"_Then you have completed the mission, well done_."

The team enters their ship, the _Fist of Horus_, and sail into Ultima Segmentum, the third largest space territory of the Chaos Imperium.

"What was the serum your majesty?" asked by Argel Tal

"Just a special liquid I made with the powers of the Dark Pantheon, daemon-tainted blood, mind-control nanites, experimental stuff to control the Hive Mind."

"You developed a serum to control the Tyranids!" said by Ahriman

"Once administered it would control the entire Hive fleet and its forces. To stop the corruption from spreading, the Hive Mind would cut off connection with the hive fleet, resulting in the creation of a new Hive Mind. That was the theory I gave the Ruinous Powers to convince them to agree with the plan.

"Wait a minute!" Argel Tal shouted, "You've risked our lives on the biggest gambit made in history, and the serum could have FAILED!?"

"HA! HA! HA! HA!" Kharn laughs away in his seat at the realization that they could have all died have the serum failed!

Typhus and Lucius joined in the incessant laughter, while Ahriman and Argel Tal looked at the Everchosen in shocked!

"The serum prototype only have a 40% chance…"

"Forty percent! You really have the nerve…" Ahriman shouted at the screen

"...of failure. The odds are in the favour of the champions of Dark Gods."

Argel Tal slammed his hands on the desk, "You really are a magnificent bastard, you know that?"

"Well I am the Emperor of Chaos after all. It took two years of my precious life to make it this far. Anyway, congratulations the Dark Gods are happy with your work. You can now rest until I give you your next mission. Tata!" he said as the screen cut off

"(Breathing) Such is the way of Chaos." said by Typhus

After calming down, the Chosen Five went to their personal rooms. The Fist of Horus is a fully sentient starship.

Kharn is busy playing Mortal Kombat. Lucius is painting the Count of Monte Cristo. Ahriman is busy reading the latest editions of comics. Typhus is slurping an entire pack of soda. Argel Tal is busy meditating.

Meanwhile…

On the planet of Gascogne, the Chosen Emperor is overseeing new recruits to his personal Chaos Space Marine legion, the Black Legion. With the death of Horus, Abaddon is now leader of the Sons of Horus and is in the process of conquering the Star Wars galaxy.

Numbering over 300,000 the Black Legion is tasked with eliminating any potential threat to Emperor Nero whether it is rival warlords stupid enough to usurp his power or a coalition of empires resisting Chaos incursions.

Sitting in his throne, Nero converses with his advisors over the latest events. He is guarded by two Terminator bodyguards modeled after the Adeptus Custodes.

"I see that the Raven Guard are still a nuisance."

"Yes, even with their Primarch dead they are the only ones still resisting the onslaught of our Gods!" said by Dark Apostle Jardek

"I also see that Hive fleet Alpha is attacking Hive fleet Beta. The tainted serum is a success. Very well bring in the first prisoner."

Two Chaos Space Marine escort a Eldar Farseer into the presence of the Chosen Emperor.

"What is she doing here?" asked one of his advisors, said by Chaos Sorcerer Addon as he approaches the prisoner.

"Simple, in exchange for letting an entire Craftworld leaving this galaxy, they would give her as a prisoner of the Chaos Imperium."

"What are your plans for her my lord?" asked by the sorcerer advisor

"Simple, take her to the prison. Until she is willing to cooperate with us we will use her for labor after all."

The two Chaos Astartes escort the prisoner to the labor camp. Underneath the sorcerer's mask, Addon grins.

* * *

Back to the Chosen Five…

"What is the next mission oh great one?" said by Ahriman as the five champions bow in respect

"Since you all have cooperated nicely on your first mission together, all five of you will be teleported to five different worlds."

"A competition?"

"Yes! The more successful your conquest is the bigger reward you shall receive!"

The champions look at each other then back at the screen.

"YES! BLOOD AND GLORY!" Said by Kharn as he **high-fives** Typhus

The champions are eager to conquer worlds in the name of the Chaos Gods!

"Each of you will be teleported to a random world from a random universe."

"Sounds... simple enough." said by Typhus

"Furthermore, each of you will be given challenges when conquering these worlds."

"What is this INSULT!" Kharn said as he pointed his chainaxe at the screen, "I will not backstab and cower my way to victory!"

"How about giving a speech?" asked by Emperor Nero

"Fine." he said as he lowers his chainaxe

"These challenges with be tailored with you in mind."

"Ha! Said like a true preacher!" said by Ahriman

"I agree." said by Argel Tal

"Well I didn't become Emperor by killing everyone in my way… cough… Kharn… cough…"

"HA! HA! HA!" said by Kharn, "You truly are the chosen of Tzeentch and Khrone!"

The five champions laugh at Kharn's comment. For an entire minute all they do is laugh. When the laughing has died down did they continued the briefing.

"Well any questions?"

"Do we expect certain death?" asked by Argel Tal

"I do not waste the lives of my men. Just like your first mission, it will stand that there will be a reasonable chance of success."

"Why are you worried about death my dear friend!" said by Kharn as he slaps his friend on the back, "If you are in trouble, I'll just blackmail the Emperor bring me and Typhus directly to your location!" he said while Typhus just gives a thumbs up and a smile

"I heard that, but be careful champion of chaos. There are things in the multiverse that even the Chaos Gods fear! AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT ANOTHER PATHETIC GOD-EMPEROR BUT RIVAL GODS AND ARMIES OF TERROR THAT CAN OBLITERATE OUR EXISTENCE IN JUST A SINGLE YEAR!" he said much to the sad face of Kharn. The other champions are afraid that they have incited the **wrath of the Chaos Emperor**!

"Oh," said by Nero, "I didn't meant for it to be in an angry tone," he said much to the relief of the Chosen Five, "I just need to make sure you five understand that there is more to the multiverse than what you have seen in your entire lives. Even the most oldest of races in this galaxy are but consider youngsters in the list of oldest races in the multiverse." he finished his sentence, gaining a nod from the champions, indicating that they understand their emperor.

"Good, now shall we begin?"

* * *

The ground is covered in five ritual circles, each for one of the Chosen Five.

"A mission worthy for the champions of chaos!" -Kharn said as he fist-bumped Argel Tal and Typhus.

"Perhaps," said the Champion of Slaanesh, "but this is still so boring!" -Lucius said going into one of his fits.

"Maybe we should make a wager, Lucius?" said by Ahriman

"What exactly is the wager?" said by Typhus

"The multiverse is a large place. Therefore whoever wins will acquire the services of the other champions to acquire a world of their own!"

"Yes! THE BLOOD GOD SURELY WOULD BE PLEASED!"

**With that the Five champions are teleported into the unknown.**


End file.
